bursting with the good stuff

Quiet down, brain

It’s been a rough last couple of days. Maybe it seems strange to publicly announce this, but I struggle with some pretty bad PMS. Beginning sometime around Friday, I have been experiencing some uncomfortable symptoms. Full on bloating, bitchiness and bad thoughts. There have been legitimately difficult situations going on in my life, but the amount they have occupied my mind is RIDICULOUS. I felt out of control and as if I could not keep myself from thinking about these things or talking about them.

Then suddenly, I felt convicted. I mean REALLY convicted. I think the moment that really got to me was at Bible study on Monday night. The lesson was on being who God made you to be. At the end, we went around and affirmed each other. When it got to me, a good friend of mine said “I appreciate that you really want to be more like Jesus in the things that you do. You might not always say it, but I know that it is your motivation” …………………WOAH! At this moment, I started to tear up while feeling the gentle burn of conviction in my heart. Is this really true about me? If it is really true about me, why am I struggling so much with letting these situations go? Why can’t I stop dwelling on them, creating more problems for myself and potentially others…?

This issue of obsessively over-thinking something or not being able to let a situation go has been a constant one for me. I have been in counseling with the most AMAZING counselor for going on three years. And this is the issue that keeps rearing its ugly head. Control. I cannot just give up control. I will obsessively talk and think about a situation until it is SO incredibly dead. And I kept saying to myself, “Well, God is changing me but it just takes time…yeah, I just need more time so I’ll allow myself to fester on these thoughts this time because one day I won’t.” And then I started thinking about a passage that talks about being like Christ:

Colossians 3:1-3

 So if you’re serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don’t shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that’s where the action is. See things from his perspective. Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life.

 

I am waiting for something to just HAPPEN, when these verses are giving a clear command to do it. But it is so against my nature to do what is right. To LET GO of these things and just let God do what He needs to do. To control my thoughts and my mouth in regards to my “feelings” about these situations. It IS against my nature but that is not the only thing at play here. I have the LIVING SPIRIT OF GOD in me. That means I have strength that is not my own that can and WILL empower me to do what is right. Philippians says I can do ALL things through Him who strengthens me…2 Corinthians says that His grace is sufficient for me and that when I am weak HE is strong…Isaiah says not to fear because He is with me and He will uphold me.  I’ve heard it all a million times but this is my first REAL Holy Spirit moment on this subject. I HAVE the power within me to stop these thoughts. I can take EVERY thought captive to Christ by making the choice to STOP and pray and ask the Holy Spirit for the power to let it go. I can stop myself before I open my mouth and continue to talk about things I cannot change. I can ask the Holy Spirit for strength to SHUT UP and He WILL give it to me. And I can ask friends to keep me accountable on that.

What a WORLD of difference it is to have to realization that the Creator’s very SPIRIT is inside of me. What a peaceful existence I will be able to experience if I just make the choice to STOP and ask Him for the strength I need.

Thank You, Jesus.

here goes another blogging attempt…

i’m bad at sticking to things. i mean, i’ve quit A LOT of things i have started. this includes, but is not limited to: various musical instruments, gym memberships, diets, books, various hobbies, blogging, etc. i have not found it much of a challenge to stick with school, jobs, or relationships, but pretty much anything else is easy for me to drop. so its no surprise that i have not been able to keep up with a blog. either way, i think i’m a decent writer and i honestly think i generally have things to write about. in that case, i am going to try again! so, hello.

currently awaiting my husband; avoiding the nutella and pretzels calling to me from my food pantry. thinking about tomorrow and the list of things i’d like to accomplish. sometimes, i “save” things for the next week since i pretty much have NOTHING to do every single day. that saved thing gets moved from week to week so that i always have something to keep myself busy with. ugh…what a way to live.

i am waiting to hear about a part time job. its a clinicians position with an agency in east orange. i would essentially be a childrens therapist. i would literally be in a clinic, making appointments with children in foster care to come see me for an hour of therapy once a week. although its only part time, it would be an ideal first job. first interview went great and i got called back to give my references and take a personality assessment. that was monday. its essentially friday, so my hope is dwindling. the only answer i have for myself is to put it in God’s hands and try not to think about it too much.

there you have it-my first blog post in over a year! hoping i will be back soon!

xoxo

one picture an hour

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8:30am: period one

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9:30am: flip flops

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10:30am: punk

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11:30am: best cherry ice pop ever

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12:30pm: feels new still

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1:30pm: ugh time

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2:30pm: fav kid

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3:30pm: yes I painted this

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4:30pm: ahhh, almost done.

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5:30pm: on the way home

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6:30pm: finally

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7:30pm: dinner: cheeseburgers, cous cous & salad

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8:30pm: sons

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9:30pm: nails

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10:30pm: love

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11:30pm: best part of my day

16 days to go & i am getting really sappy.

oh man…
on my second episode of “say yes to the dress” today and i cannot stop crying. oh my gosh. it is getting ridiculous here. it is not helping that this particular episode is all about dads and i really just cant stop crying thinking about my dad. guhhhhh. sometimes i am so afraid of the crying. its overwhelming to think about because i know i am going to be bawling all day long on our wedding day.

i should probably go to the beach or something like that except for the fact that i am broker than broke. with no job and mike’s coming paycheck totally spoken for, ive got $15 to my name. and you never know when you might need that. like say for a lost basal body temperature thermometer. oh natural family planning, im not so sure about you.

all thats left to do for the wedding is little crafts and ordering flowers. ive almost completed every craft, including hand painting over 60 miniature birdhouses. i put together five tissue paper dahlilas today and my mother made 200 feet of pennant banner. if the wedding comes out as cute and wonderful as i envision it, i certainly plan to submit my wedding to oncewed and ruffled. and i have no problem detailing how inexpensive we did this for. spending $25,000 on a wedding is totally unnecessary if you can put in the work on the little things yourself.

and i have to make sure i say that the real reason we were able to put this together on such a small budget is because of Jesus. He has put some amazing opportunities in our paths such as a great caterer who has been so helpful and hooked us up with an equally great rental place who has been cutting us breaks left and right. so here we are, 16 days away, and i am not behind, maybe im even ahead. who knew?

and of course:
my family, friends and bridesmaids have been extremely helpful. especially my mother. shes been putting together all kinds of crafty things i cant do (like sewing!!!). shes been so helpful and had such a great attitude about everything. (especially that 200 foot banner). my bridesmaids have gone all out when it comes to gifts and making themselves available for anything and everything i need. ive also had some impromptu help from a new and dear friend, vanessa. she has randomly been helping me with all kinds of details and also is letting my borrow supplies for one of our very important set ups. without her supplies, i never would have been able to afford pulling it off. (i keep saying supplies because i dont want to give it away!!!)


this weekend is my bachalorette party. im so excited!!! my sister asked everyone to bring me lingerie and im so so so so looking forward to receiving some!!! i dont have anything extravagant (yet!). im also really looking forward to spending some good fun times with my sister and ladies!

but mostly, i just cant wait to be here:

with

on james blake & wedding planning

really should be heading to my internship but guess what, i am writing my blog entry instead. feeling inspired and i want to do it before that feeling leaves!!


so i finally got my “hands” (can’t remember the last time i actually bought physical music…its just too pricey for me these days) on the james blake album. okay. i have a lot of thoughts. one being: how in the world is this considered “dubstep”? look, im not a dubstep connoisseur by ANY stretch of the imagination but this sure doesnt sound like ANYTHING else ive ever heard. there is actually barely any music on the album. its like 90% vocals. and very very pretty vocals and the 10% of music is really pretty and simple. im just not sure i understand the hype about the whole thing. i mean, pitchfork media gave the album a NINE and its hard to get anything over an 8.2 over there. (the last album i remember getting a TEN at pitchfork was the new kanye, which is pretty close to perfect. other than that, i think the beatles and radiohead).
anyway, this is what im talking about:

what do you think???

also:
really made some progress in wedding planning. ive finally decided on a color “theme”, which im not telling!!! ive been telling way too many people all our plans and nothing is going to be a surprise. so im keeping stuff to myself from now on. i will say, however, that i decided to get rid of one overly popular trend in order to put more money into some other things like flowers and a bangin’ dessert table. just check out one of the dessert tables ive been drooling over. its not so much about the desserts, for me, as it is about the presentation. to die for:

and i have to say that i have been trying to deny it but i do love the succulents trend. need to get my hand on some of these:

my oh my. so much to do. next week is spring break from my internship, which gives me the time i need to work on final papers. after that, i go back to my class for like, uh, a day and back to my internship full time for TWO days and then just a little here and there through the month of may. i need to wrap up counseling with my kids, especially a particular little girl who pretty much stalks me. shes going to be hard to separate from. ugh. but onto bigger and better things! in the fall, ill be attending fordham university!! i did get into nyu as well (hunter never got back to me because my retard professor never handed in the correct evaluation forms. eff) but fordham was just all around the better choice for me. everyone has been super helpful there. im already registered for classes, have a resume out for an internship and am just waiting on financial aid. im getting sort of excited at the thought of being in the city consistently once a week for the next year. i kind of wish they had found me an internship there too, but im sure not having to commute everyday will be a blessing in the end.

anyway now i really must go to my internship.

goodnight! i mean, goodbye!!

on nail polish and new series.

been on the search for the perfect blue. beach bum blue by essie is alright. currently wearing it on my toes.
but ive really been wanting something pastel. im really into pastels in general. its been hard for me to avoid making my wedding look like an easter basket.
anyway, heres my most favorite blue so far!:

the photobooth photo is definitely not doing the color justice.

the new series mike & i are watching is entourage. id watched a few episodes long long ago but with the newer seasons being 9.99 at target, we decided to tackle it from the beginning. so far so good. im loving the 20 minutes episodes. i can probably get in another two before bed and its already 12am!!!

xoxo.

life in photos

been trying to document my going-ons in photos. here are way too many: